It’s so embarrassing to admit that you actually enjoy doing something, like writing, because what if everyone else thinks you’re terrible at it? You’re like “I enjoy writing” and give them a short story that reads like somebody gave ChatGPT to a 4th grader. I hope if it’s me, no one ever tells me and I can live in ignorance forever. But then what if it comes full circle, like “graphic design is my passion” and it obviously sucks, but it’s so bad it’s actually pretty funny, and the designer was actually in on the joke all along, and it all works out because everyone’s laughing together because being bad at something is really not so bad, and at it’s best it’s pretty funny.
I don’t like writing, actually I hate it. Reading is much more fun (you’re welcome). Except I keep a journal that I write in maybe a few times a month because I like to have some record-keeping of my life. An archive that I can look back on to laugh at myself and reminisce for a moment. But even though it’s intensely personal and will never be seen by anyone except the many iterations of myself, it feels important that it exists. I thought maybe eventually I would use the stories to write a memoir, but I’m only 24, and I’m not a famous person, so who would read that?
My point is that I have the strange, human desire to leave a mark on the world. To have some proof that I exist and things did actually happen to me. Combined with a self-important urge to talk and tell stories and have opinions about things.
That’s all to say this blog will mostly be a stream of consciousness which I shall disperse into the world, against everyone’s will. Maybe my opinions and reviews on the various media I consume, because I crave critical thinking and discourse. And having opinions.
And because I have free will, I want to enjoy my hobbies without monetizing them. That’s why this isn’t a substack, and also how I’ve found peace in publishing this in the first place without needing to feel pressured to turn this into a “side hustle” (the other parts of this website do that well enough). I’m really happy for everyone who turns their hobby into a paid career and loves their job but actually we’re all working all the time anyway and I just prefer to engage in my hobbies for escapism and entertainment, rather than necessity. And maybe it’s a character defect that money takes the fun out of everything but that’s how I feel. Creativity is exhausting… And getting paid for it just makes it mandated by external forces. Maybe I could say a lot more on the matter, but for now I can only aspire to live a fulfilling life and have enough money and time to feel a general sense of freedom and joy. Even under the crushing weight of the dystopian, oligarchical economy. Sigh.
I told my sister I’m starting a blog and she said “That’s cool–your vegan food blog?” And I said girl absolutely not. Now the context for that is: 1) I am vegan 2) I had an assignment in college to make a dessert blog and, being vegan at the time, it was pretty vegan-forward. And oh my god I just went to see if it still exists and it totally does! Click here to see it. I’m not going to re-read it though so if it’s bad don’t say I didn’t warn you. But the reason this is not a vegan food blog is: 1) I have nothing to add to the vegan conversation 2) I want to maintain a shred of likability 3) I don’t want to. But that being said I actually love to cook and develop recipes sometimes and if I post my vegan recipes or something about being vegan please keep your mouth shut and enjoy it.
Maybe at some point this blog will go the way of my other past endeavors and be put down for good, but it’s fun for now and that’s enough. Someone also recently gave me some great advice to “try a lot of things when you’re young” and the currency of my youth decreases with every passing day so I’m starting now.
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